Oh wow, I hadn't realized how long it's been since my last post. Time surely does fly. I've just been a little out of it. Allergies, personal bs, work, and stress in general. I just needed a little time to deal, which honestly didn't accomplish anything. Well que sera, sera.
Truthfully, I've been having some serious relationship issues. And I guess I'm not afraid to admit that since I know anyone whose ever been in a relationship has had an issue from time to time. And some issues, well, never really get resolved. I love P, with all my heart, but I learned a while back to love myself more. Relationships end and I will always need to have myself. No, I am not saying I am breaking up with P, but although I do love him, I can't lose sight of myself and my needs. A relationship is suppose to be a partnership and bring out the positives in each other. While still giving each other respect, love, and patience.
Lately, I think a lot of our own personal issues have resulted in us taking it out on each other, in a very sneaking way aka we won't speak to each other for no known reason. I know that I can trust P and I know that he loves me. And I love who is, is quite truly a wonderful person. However, one underlying issue has been bothering the f out of me.
You see I was raised in a family, who always hugged, played, joked, and spent time with each other, amidst all the turmoil. Sometimes we would even be sitting, laying, hanging around one bed, talking or watching TV. We are a close family - to this day we say love you's and kiss good bye. And well by what P tells me, his family was a little different. Yes, they showed each other some type of closeness, bond, and love, but differently. Let's just say that these different upbringings have caused an expectations of expressions of love to be...unequal.
P is really not that type of guy who holds hands, demonstrates loads of PDA and sometimes that's ok. But when we're alone I shouldn't damn near be afraid to touch him. He likes his personal space...a lot and again that's ok. But I sincerely believe that a relationship, of almost any sort, needs that personal touch. A mother and her newborn bond over this personal touch;it builds a close bond between the two of them. So this shouldn't be any different for a relationship between partners.
At the honeymoon part of our relationship, I remembered P would beg me to stay in bed with him for 5 more minutes before I got up for work. Now if I try to kiss him goodbye (he is sleeping by the time I leave for work) he flinches away. I know the honeymoon is over...but I wish the romance wasn't.
So I think maybe its time for a fresh start, but how do you do that in a relationship? Do you go away together for a romantic weekend, couples therapy, spend a few days a part...? What? The last thing I want is for my relationship to do is lack spark. I want us to both feel that "we couldn't live without each other" feeling everyday, even when we're mad.
Ultimately, I must propose this to P, although I might be confronted with the "everything is great. What are you talking about?" And in that case what do you when you're not even on the same page?
Yes, love is grand and beautiful, but it also takes work. Wish me luck.