Friday Night.

So I go out Friday night with one of my good friends, K. I hadn’t seen her in a while plus I needed some time away from…everything. We head out to a local bar/restaurant. We sit at the bar and order some pizza and have our share of drinks. Hello Margaritas!
Later into the night the chairs are being taken away from the bar – more space for the dancing that’s about to start.
So here we are standing by the bar, sipping on our drinks, and just like that this guy is right in between us. He introduces himself and is very clearly interested in K. He talks to us for quite some time, tells us about his journey in the Navy and buys us a couple of drinks – even though we tell him not to. K is not interested but because he seems like a nice guy, we continue to talk. Then he starts to ask the same questions over and over and over again. Which I guess is ok and understandable because he completely wasted, but then again most of the guys there seemed completely wasted. Navy guy starts to tell me “I don’t think your friend likes me very much” I’m too nice and tell him that K just has a hard shell, so it’s hard to get to her. So here I am people watching and all of a sudden I feel a slap on my butt. And I’m not too sure where it came from. I immediately think it’s this Navy guy and I almost go off, but there are several people around this bar area and I can't say for sure who did it, so I just drop it and keep my ass facing the bar. After a while Navy guy asks us for a smoke. Which we both reply no thanks, but of course this isn’t a sufficient answer, so he comes to my ear (that’s the only way you can hear in this place) and says “let’s go for a smoke, bitch” ----- YES! HE SAID BITCH!------ It’s a bit laughable now but at that moment all I could think of was you’re an idiot, I don’t care how drunk you are. You never call a girl you don’t know, a bitch. K doesn't hear it and my face doesn't imply shock, so I'm thinking I’m out with my girl, trying to enjoy myself and the last thing I want is to get into it with a guy who is drunk and thinks it’s ok or cool to talk to a person like that. I step away and completely ignore him, soon after that he disappears and we don't see him for the rest of the night. ---Good for him.
WORD OF ADVICE: Don’t call any girl, any name, especially if you want to hook up with her friend! This will guarantee that you will not even get a single number from her – no matter how many drinks you buy her.
So me and my friend continue into the night and go onto the dance area.
I love to dance – it’s about the only time I feel free, like there isn’t anything in this world that can bother me while I’m dancing. We dance for a while, then K and I decide to go sit down.

And this is where things start to get a little…strange. I say strange because the following has never, ever, happened to me.  

As me and K leave the dance area to go sit down, this guy magically appears in front of me. And of course you can tell he has been drinking. He proceeds to tell how he wished he had danced with me. We stay there and talk for a little while. We make simple conversation, like what’s your name, what do you do, do you live around here, where are you from. You know those typical questions. During all of this he tells me how beautiful I am and apologizes right after.

“You’re so beautiful. I’m so sorry. Is that bad?”

Somehow or another there’s a distraction and me and K go sit down. K and I are talking and as I looked up, there is Beautiful guy walking right to our table. Honestly, this is too funny to me. Of course he continues with the “you’re beautiful – I’m so sorry. Is that bad?” As we look into each other’s eyes (I have a thing when someone looks me in the eyes, I don’t look away – I think it shows confidence) and he licks his lips likes he is LL Cool J, he tells me “I want to kiss you – I’m sorry. Is that bad?” In between the can we hang out and the beautifuls and permission for kisses – I decide that as much as I love the attention I have to tell this guy that I’m not single. The statement makes him glare into my eyes even further as if I will change my mind. I must admit the guy was my type and was pretty good looking, but 3 years of being with someone does not compare to a few complaints and 15 minutes. He gets up from the table, comes to me and half hugs me and tells me how much he wants to kiss me as he kisses my forehead. He walks away.

And I kid you not, not even 10 seconds go by and then ANOTHER guy sits at our table. NOT EVEN 10 SECONDS. At this point I’m thinking this guy wants to talk to my friend, not me, right? And I ask him this and I’m totally shock to hear him said, no I want to talk to you!

Now I’m thinking I must be like fresh meat in high school or the last grab before the place closes, right?

This guy is also attractive and he proceeds to tell me how beautiful I am. And I’m thinking was he overhearing the Beautiful guy??? I say thank you – because I’m trying to learn to accept compliments, but before I can ask him his name. He asks me if I have a compliment for him – like how handsome he is.
I can’t help but to laugh!
I tell him I have a boyfriend but my friend, K is single. He looks at me like, Damn! And asks if he can get a hug, which I comply, and as I stand he stands. And the guy is so tall! He apologizes for being so tall, I tell him no, that women love tall men. He then says, “damn and you’re Latin too!”

I am literally surprised and shocked. I look at K in awe. – and ask myself did this really just happen?- I don’t want to seem conceited but honest to goodness I have never had that happen to me, but it felt good.
Attention and compliments felt good.
P will compliment me, but never like that. P is not the typical romance guy. He is different, much like a loner. In public he never gets so close to me. He will sit next to me but never gets as close to me as those bar guys did. Even when we first started dating, he barely even held my hand. That type of stuff is not his cup of tea. He's like Red from That 70’s Show. And I know this but every woman wants to feel wanted.

As we start walking out the bar, I see Beautiful guy and he starts his "rant" again. He asks me yet again...
-if we can hang out.
-we can go to his place, it's only 10 minutes away. 
-no not like that, he doesn't expect anything, he just wants to hang out.
-how he wants to kiss me. 
-how beautiful I am.
He says these things looking deeply into my eyes and licking his lips. And it kind of turns me on - the looking into my eyes part. I've always had a thing for eyes. I respect someone who looks me in the eyes and not turn away.
I simply tell him – because I’m a freaking flirt myself – “we’re on social media, find me!” and leave. Which I know we’ll never see each other again, not like it matters.
As we walk towards the car and this random guy who is with his friends tells me “you look really nice, take care” --- I'm pretty sure he said beautiful too, but I can't remember.---

I thinking I must have my nipple showing or something because….I don’t know how this is happening to me. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I’m not the girl who gets the guy; I’m the guy’s best friend. I was never the hot or cute girl in school. I never had boyfriends who were in my school. It was always an older guy or just arrived to this country guy, never the "it" guy in school. I’ve since grown into my face and body but still…

This was indeed a rare and interesting night. And I enjoyed myself thoroughly. But it also made me feel bad. Bad in a way that I knew I felt this but never acknowledged. I told K that apparently I need more attention, I need attention from P. And I feel like a child when I say that, but it’s true.

We women need a healthy balance of appeal. We love to feel sexy, desired, and wanted – especially from the men were with. And I realized that I’m not getting enough of it. I love those random kisses on the forehead or neck. I want to feel like I am the most beautiful women he’s ever laid his eyes on. I want to feel like we just met.
I know that after 3 years not every day is going to be like that. That sometimes romantic equals take out and a movie at home. That beautiful may be you took a shower today. But that spark, that energy, and that passion shouldn’t completely die. With living life sometimes having that spark is difficult and it’s usually last on the to do list.

And maybe that’s the problem, why is that on a list? How does it feel new again? I know I don’t have the answers to everything. Obviously I have more questions than answers. But this is my thought and I think that thinking out loud sometimes helps with trying to get an answer.

And my question is how does it feel new again?



laying in bed
partly sick
watching misfits
on hulu
just heard some lana del rey
shut in the room with the door closed
wishing that my love
wasn't mad or rather in a bad mood
you would think i'd be used to it
thinking of grilled cheese and tomato soup
although i don't think i like the soup but it looks so good
sleep should do my body good
too bad my body doesn't speak my language
oh this dry cough is so bothersome
i wish i had an english accent
well how about that i think i might have some soup in the kitchen
but definitely not tomato.