Finding Myself...

Yes, at 28 I still haven't really "found" myself. Most people go by titles their entire life:single, married, divorced, looking, mother, unable to have children, don't want children, stay at home mom, career woman...the list goes on.

And I'm neither of the above...and it bothers me just a little.

When I was younger, I imagined my life differently. Not that my life totally sucks now, but I did envision it differently. (Blame it on the Cinderella Complex.) Most of my friends from an earlier age are either married, engaged, have kids, are pregnant, etc. ---You get the point right?--- I'm not saying I want or don't want these things, but that's the thing...I would have thought I had that figured out by now. And I don't. The reason this bothers me so, is because I'm a control freak. I love it when plans are executed perfectly and my envisioned life plan has not been executed. Sure I should view this as an opportunity to explore, which I kinda, sorta do. But I hate been stuck in the middle, kinda in the loop of things. And it scares the crap out of me, that my life will keep changing unexpectedly. Some people get a thrill out of that, I don't.

People give that image of living the good life. Everything is perfect in their lives. They don't have bad days. -Bullsh*t! We all have them. And for me, the perfectionist, to admit that my life is a little out of control, takes a lot from me.

I know one day my life will be a little more stable, but the path to get there, is frightening. I've been through more hardships than I would care to admit, and sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough for any more. Of course, I do, but I don't want anymore of them. Not for a while anyway.

Now I'm just trying to find a way to release some of the anguish, fear, doubt, stress that I have. When I was younger I use to write...a lot. I saved all the poems that I've written over the years. But after one terrible breakup, I stopped. I didn't want to document such a pain, because I didn't want to remember it. There have been times, when I've wanted to write again, but I don't, for that simple reason. I don't want to remember.

However, last night was the first time in so many years that I actually couldn't contain the words to myself. I wrote, knowing that I would have this memory written for me to remember. But I also remembered how much better I felt afterwards. I guess this is the first step to "finding myself." Figuring out this life, my life. Trying my best to make it the best. I'm still a work in progress and that's ok.


Super Easy, Quick, Yummy Burritos...

Seriously, this is the easiest and fastest dish I’ve ever made. This dish quickly became a favorite amongst my family. And it s perfect when you don’t have enough time or energy to stand over the stove for a long period of time.

1 pound of ground beef
1 can of black beans
1 jar of salsa --- I prefer the chucky salsa
Shredded Mexican Cheese --- However much you want.
1 pack of taco seasoning or you can mix in your own seasoning.
Large flour tortillas ---Burrito size. Get however many you need.

1.      Cook the meat well, drain.
2.      Turn the heat to medium, add  the taco seasoning to the meat.
3.      Add the beans (no need to drain)
4.      Add the salsa. 

4.      Cook for another 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.
It will be a little soupy, but that’s fine….I said a little…if it’s too soupy, continue to cook until it’s not so soupy.
5.      Turn off the heat, and sprinkle (or dump) shredded cheese on top of meat mixture, until nice and cheesy aka melted.
6.      Add the meat mixture to the flour tortilla and roll like a burrito.

Guess what? Ta-Da! You are done! Told ya it was easy.

And of course you add all sorts of toppings…sour cream, lettuce, onions, peppers (onions & peppers are already in the chunky salsa, which is why I get it.) You can even add corn to the meat mixture while it’s cooking. Totally up to you.



Easily Startled...

I know that one day P will be my cause of death. Let me explain. I am the type of person that when I am hard at work, I am in full concentration mood. I literally zone out. Sometimes I don't even hear people speaking directly to me. I've even gotten really pissed off when people have abruptly interrupted me during this zone out time.

So since I am so zoned out P takes advantage of every opportunity to scare the living crap out of me. Mind you I already get easily startled. This is due to years of standing behind walls to scare my siblings and me walking around corners and having them scare me. So yes I am traumatized.

So I sit at the computer desk, which has my back facing P, and I'm zoned out = a perfect scare opportunity. P is such a sneaky little devil. And he always manages to sneak up behind and whispers or blows in my ears or taps me ever so lightly, thus scaring the crap out of me.

One day he will give me a heart attack. My death certificate will read "scared s**t-less" Thanks honey.


It's a regular joke amongst my friends that I am the forget one. Maybe it has to with a lot of certain activities I did as a teenager, early set on Alzheimer, (and I'm not trying to be funny when I say that) or maybe I'm just plain forgetful. I don't know, but either way I forget a lot of stuff, like all the time.

It's no longer a joke, its a major annoyance. Sometimes I find myself forgetting how to spell words that I use commonly or know that I know but can't remember. I forget all the small things, like for instance today I typed up a blog entry on another computer but forgot to xfer to my computer. I'll forget things that people have reminded me at least twice. I'm thinking this is normal, people forget things. However, the frequency has gotten a bit excessive.

I even have a planner but I just don't write in as often as I should. I could put things on my phone, but I really don't like it. Maybe it doesn't help that all my paperwork/stuff is in between multiple places; P's house, my dad's apt, storage space, purse, car, and sometime at work. I have to reorganize my whole filing system, its just all over the place.

Or just maybe, just maybe, I have too much on my plate. Maybe I have taken on the personal duty of becoming everyone's secretary, when I should just let people take care of their own life. Or maybe because I make up extra activities for myself or make it a lot harder to complete tasks by adding additional tasks on my to do list. I have to make a to do list for my to do list.

I have to piece my life back together little by little. The clutter is starting to consume me. I will get back to my put together self again. One day...soon.


Abuelita Alicia...

I've just needed a few days to not think, even though that's the first thing I do, think. And then cry. These past few days I've been...rough to say the least. I almost thought to not write about this but I thought maybe this would help.

Writing for me is like breathing. It helps me relax when I write down the words that sometimes weigh me down. And at the end of the day, I am a real person with a real life. And my moments are not all happy. And that's ok. Struggles and pain (along with the wonderfully joyous moments), believe or not, makes you the person you are. It shapes and molds you, and you learn that much more about yourself.

This past weekend was like any other typically weekend. Except that on Sunday morning (2am) P wakes me from my sleep, yelling for help. He is face down on the bed and in intense pain. He has dislocated his shoulder again...this would make it the 4th time. I still haven't figured out how to "pop" it back in and we now have to go to the ER again for the second time in 2 weeks. I hate feeling so helpless and watching someone you love in so much pain is heart wreaching. We are in the ER by 2:30am and out by 7am.
------No sleep------

Fortunately for me I have pretty great bosses,who are more than understanding and I get the day off to recover. After some light breakfast, we sleep for about 4 hours, but for some reason or another both P and my cell phone are ringing off the hook. It's either a text or a call, for numerous reasons. We finally get up, decide to run some errands. Take advantage of the day off - Pharmacy, police station (pay some tickets), mva, eat, and finally back home. And yet sleep has not succumb me and I am wide awake.

10:30pm, my mother calls me...twice. This isn't typical of my mother. She has to get up way early in the morning to get to work, so she is usually asleep by that time.

I answer the phone and she doesn't say anything right away. I can hear her try to take a breath, but I hear her tears.....my heart stops....I hate these calls the most. Her mother, my grandmother has passed away.

The next few minutes were a blur. I can remember telling her I'm so sorry and Oh mom. And nothing. Just tears. P asks me what's wrong, but the words can't and won't come out. I don't want to have to say it. The next sleepless hours are me on the phone with multiple family members and online searching and booking a flight for my mom to El Salvador. The pain for my grandmother's death, my mother's loss, and my family's pain is overbearing...and too much. Oh como me pesa mi alma ---- Oh, my heart/soul is heavy.

My abuelita Alicia was really our family's last elder and we view her as our monarch, the glue that held us together. The one thing that gives me some peace and helps me to accept the truth is that she no longer has to hold onto her loss and pain. Within the past 3-4 years my grandmother as lost her husband, her mother, sister and brother. I know that now she can join them and not have to endure the pain of loss.

She was loving, caring, worried way too much sometimes, appreciative and thankful, beautiful and thought everyone else was too. She never like to see the ugly in people and always tried to find some good. She always acted surprised even if she already knew. She never forgot a name; she had 9 (living) children, about 20 grandchildren, and about 9 great grandchildren. She has truly left us as her legacy.

But most of all she was strong. She lived through many ordeals in her life and handled them with tears, grace, and strength. And even through she was older, she could still catch roosters and chickens with her own hands like as if she were in her 20's.

I know that me and my family will miss her greatly. But a little of her is in all of us. She was a major part of our lives and I will try to continue her legacy and her silent wish for our family to be and stay together.

Te quiero mucho abuela y te vamos extranar mucho. Pero hoy descansa.