Dating my Best Friend.

One of the negatives of constantly moving around is that well...you don't keep too many friends around. And this was always the case for me growing up. I was lucky if my mom decided to stay 3 years in one spot, but after that it was a new place, new school and new friends. That is until I moved to Maryland. This is the one spot that actually stuck.

I started high school in MD and was lucky that I got to be done with it in the same school. I meet a lot of new and great people, but the one that lasted was my friendship with T. We met in our drama class and instantly became attached at the hip. This in all was something new to me, a best friend.

I'll be the first to admit, that one of my most horrible flaws is that I'm not such a great friend. I forget things, miss the obvious signs of "help me please", and I don't call as much as I should. Trust me it's something I'm working on.

So anyways, yes, having one singular person that I called my best friend was truly new to me. She was the first friend that ever slept at my house and the first person that my mother allowed me to sleep over their house. And if you know anything about a Latino household - this is totally a big deal! I shared things with her that I had never even told anyone. We dreamed of graduating high school and moving to New York to become big time actresses. This was the girl who would be in my wedding. And that our future children would be best friends, like us.

Of course, sometimes life has another plan for you and things don't always plan out as dreamed. But the one thing that did, was our friendship and it was stronger than ever. Yes, we had our fights but for the most part because I tended to get angry over small things and did I mention that I can be a bit of a bad friend, well...those fights were usually started by me. But sooner or later, we would make up and go on as if nothing ever happened.

We ended up being roommates, coworkers (in another field), and eventually sister in laws. Yes, sister in laws. At heart she was always like my sister but life had that the love of her life was also my brother. (I told you life works in funny ways) Granted at first, having my best friend date my younger brother, how do I say this, was gross, but then I realized that T loved him. And how could I not understand. We had already overcome so many things together and calling her my official sister was the greatest feeling.

But again, life happens. Needless to say, our bond of eternal sisterhood was abruptly ended by my brother. Without going into too many details, because after all it is very personal information of someone else...the marriage between T and my brother did not last. And things got really crazy, really fast and it ultimately ended our friendship.

Nearly two years went by and almost no contact between the two of us.

I had experienced heartbreak before. I had my first love tell me that he didn't love me back. Another, broke my trust in a very hurtful way, that caused me to question motives of future relationships. I've had my heart broken and knew the pain and anguish of it. But never did I experience such pain and hurt and heart break over a friendship. Honestly, I didn't even know that that was possible.

I missed her terribly. I lost my kinder soul.

I would sometimes think of her and cry. I wanted to call her so many times but I couldn't. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. That I should have been there for her. That I was sorry for being such a bad person and a bad friend to her, which she didn't deserve. But I couldn't. I thought that it was done and beyond repair. And that I would only be reminding her of her pain and I wouldn't be allowing her to move on.

One day all the feeling that I had buried inside of me for almost two years became unbearable. So I decided to send a Facebook message. I apologized. I told her how much she really means to me. And that her friendship was truly unlike any other I had ever had. And that I appreciated her.

Sending her that message was probably the best thing that I could have ever done. And I know for her to response to my message was very difficult for her. But this message opened the door for us.

We messaged back and forth - pretty much pouring our hearts to one another. I was happy to hear that she missed me too. And I was comforted with knowing that our friendship, our bond is a strong one.
After some time of messaging each other, we finally exchanged numbers and started texting each other. We started catching up on each other's lives. And after a couple of months of texts, we finally decided to meet up.

It was like meeting someone new, so you're excited but nervous. Seeing her again, was like I had found my missing piece. And I could breathe again.

It was also odd and funny in a way because it felt like I was dating her. Slowly communicating before you finally decide to meet up. And in a way it was like dating her. Getting to know each other (again) and finally deciding if the "pursuit" is worth a chance.

I know that things have changed, people grow. It's not exactly how it once was, but it's definitively a work in progress. And I know we both care about one another and we'll probably be right where we left off, just on another path, together.

I didn't realize how important a friendship is. We get so caught up in our lives: work, relationships, personal issues, and family, that sometimes we neglect to make those important friendships a priority as well. These relationships that our outside of our families also mold us into the people we become. They are a reflection of ourselves.

I thought for so long that I had lost her and the most important friendship that I had ever had. That I would never get to speak to her again. I'm glad that I was wrong. I'm glad that I put my pride and fear to the side and opened that door. I am so glad that she decided that our friendship was important to her too.

Friday Night.

So I go out Friday night with one of my good friends, K. I hadn’t seen her in a while plus I needed some time away from…everything. We head out to a local bar/restaurant. We sit at the bar and order some pizza and have our share of drinks. Hello Margaritas!

Later into the night the chairs are being taken away from the bar – more space for the dancing that’s about to start.

So here we are standing by the bar, sipping on our drinks, and just like that this guy is right in between us. He introduces himself and is very clearly interested in K. He talks to us for quite some time, tells us about his journey in the Navy and buys us a couple of drinks – even though we tell him not to. K is not interested but because he seems like a nice guy, we continue to talk. Then he starts to ask the same questions over and over and over again. Which I guess is ok and understandable because he completely wasted, but then again most of the guys there seemed completely wasted. Navy guy starts to tell me “I don’t think your friend likes me very much” I’m too nice and tell him that K just has a hard shell, so it’s hard to get to her. So here I am people watching and all of a sudden I feel a slap on my butt. And I’m not too sure where it came from. I immediately think it’s this Navy guy and I almost go off, but there are several people around this bar area and I can't say for sure who did it, so I just drop it and keep my ass facing the bar. After a while Navy guy asks us for a smoke. Which we both reply no thanks, but of course this isn’t a sufficient answer, so he comes to my ear (that’s the only way you can hear in this place) and says “let’s go for a smoke, bitch” ----- YES! HE SAID BITCH!------ It’s a bit laughable now but at that moment all I could think of was you’re an idiot, I don’t care how drunk you are. You never call a girl you don’t know, a bitch. K doesn't hear it and my face doesn't imply shock, so I'm thinking I’m out with my girl, trying to enjoy myself and the last thing I want is to get into it with a guy who is drunk and thinks it’s ok or cool to talk to a person like that. I step away and completely ignore him, soon after that he disappears and we don't see him for the rest of the night. ---Good for him.

WORD OF ADVICE: Don’t call any girl, any name, especially if you want to hook up with her friend! This will guarantee that you will not even get a single number from her – no matter how many drinks you buy her.

So me and my friend continue into the night and go onto the dance area.

I love to dance – it’s about the only time I feel free, like there isn’t anything in this world that can bother me while I’m dancing. We dance for a while, then K and I decide to go sit down.

And this is where things start to get a little…strange. I say strange because the following has never, ever, happened to me.  

As me and K leave the dance area to go sit down, this guy magically appears in front of me. And of course you can tell he has been drinking. He proceeds to tell how he wished he had danced with me. We stay there and talk for a little while. We make simple conversation, like what’s your name, what do you do, do you live around here, where are you from. You know those typical questions. During all of this he tells me how beautiful I am and apologizes right after.

“You’re so beautiful. I’m so sorry. Is that bad?”

Somehow or another there’s a distraction and me and K go sit down. K and I are talking and as I looked up, there is Beautiful guy walking right to our table. Honestly, this is too funny to me. Of course he continues with the “you’re beautiful – I’m so sorry. Is that bad?” As we look into each other’s eyes (I have a thing when someone looks me in the eyes, I don’t look away – I think it shows confidence) and he licks his lips likes he is LL Cool J, he tells me “I want to kiss you – I’m sorry. Is that bad?” In between the can we hang out and the beautifuls and permission for kisses – I decide that as much as I love the attention I have to tell this guy that I’m not single. The statement makes him glare into my eyes even further as if I will change my mind. I must admit the guy was my type and was pretty good looking, but 3 years of being with someone does not compare to a few complaints and 15 minutes. He gets up from the table, comes to me and half hugs me and tells me how much he wants to kiss me as he kisses my forehead. He walks away.

And I kid you not, not even 10 seconds go by and then ANOTHER guy sits at our table. NOT EVEN 10 SECONDS. At this point I’m thinking this guy wants to talk to my friend, not me, right? And I ask him this and I’m totally shock to hear him said, no I want to talk to you!

Now I’m thinking I must be like fresh meat in high school or the last grab before the place closes, right?

This guy is also attractive and he proceeds to tell me how beautiful I am. And I’m thinking was he overhearing the Beautiful guy??? I say thank you – because I’m trying to learn to accept compliments, but before I can ask him his name. He asks me if I have a compliment for him – like how handsome he is.

I can’t help but to laugh!

I tell him I have a boyfriend but my friend, K is single. He looks at me like, Damn! And asks if he can get a hug, which I comply, and as I stand he stands. And the guy is so tall! He apologizes for being so tall, I tell him no, that women love tall men. He then says, “damn and you’re Latin too!”

I am literally surprised and shocked. I look at K in awe. – and ask myself did this really just happen?- I don’t want to seem conceited but honest to goodness I have never had that happen to me, but it felt good.
Attention and compliments felt good.

P will compliment me, but never like that. P is not the typical romance guy. He is different, much like a loner. In public he never gets so close to me. He will sit next to me but never gets as close to me as those bar guys did. Even when we first started dating, he barely even held my hand. That type of stuff is not his cup of tea. He's like Red from That 70’s Show. And I know this but every woman wants to feel wanted.

As we start walking out the bar, I see Beautiful guy and he starts his "rant" again. He asks me yet again...
-if we can hang out.
-we can go to his place, it's only 10 minutes away. 
-no not like that, he doesn't expect anything, he just wants to hang out.
-how he wants to kiss me. 
-how beautiful I am.
He says these things looking deeply into my eyes and licking his lips. And it kind of turns me on - the looking into my eyes part. I've always had a thing for eyes. I respect someone who looks me in the eyes and not turn away.
I simply tell him – because I’m a freaking flirt myself – “we’re on social media, find me!” and leave. Which I know we’ll never see each other again, not like it matters.

As we walk towards the car and this random guy who is with his friends tells me “you look really nice, take care” --- I'm pretty sure he said beautiful too, but I can't remember.---

I thinking I must have my nipple showing or something because….I don’t know how this is happening to me. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I’m not the girl who gets the guy; I’m the guy’s best friend. I was never the hot or cute girl in school. I never had boyfriends who were in my school. It was always an older guy or just arrived to this country guy, never the "it" guy in school. I’ve since grown into my face and body but still…

This was indeed a rare and interesting night. And I enjoyed myself thoroughly. But it also made me feel bad. Bad in a way that I knew I felt this but never acknowledged. I told K that apparently I need more attention, I need attention from P. And I feel like a child when I say that, but it’s true.

We women need a healthy balance of appeal. We love to feel sexy, desired, and wanted – especially from the men were with. And I realized that I’m not getting enough of it. I love those random kisses on the forehead or neck. I want to feel like I am the most beautiful women he’s ever laid his eyes on. I want to feel like we just met.

I know that after 3 years not every day is going to be like that. That sometimes romantic equals take out and a movie at home. That beautiful may be you took a shower today. But that spark, that energy, and that passion shouldn’t completely die. With living life sometimes having that spark is difficult and it’s usually last on the to do list.

And maybe that’s the problem, why is that on a list? How does it feel new again? I know I don’t have the answers to everything. Obviously I have more questions than answers. But this is my thought and I think that thinking out loud sometimes helps with trying to get an answer.

And my question is how does it feel new again?

The "Mis-Adventures" of the Holidays - Part Deux

Then along came a little holiday called Thanksgiving, which is MY HOLIDAY!!!! Sorry I get a little over bearing of the holiday. I like to be the commander in chief/chef for this one, until I realized that I have one hour to go till dinner time I still have to cook about 3 more items! Thank goodness for appetizers. This year it was almost a one (wo)man mission, fortunately my sister and my cousin helped a bit.

So the adventure begins....first get the whole menu.

Mind you I am standing in line to pay...in the middle of the aisle. Yes it's the one that everyone seems to be out in the grocery store...I wonder why?

Precious cargo, no riding in the truck 

Prepping....I need EVERYTHING!

This turkey is covered in family "secrets", it's what makes it extra juicy.

I had to refuel at some point.

The end result...5 minutes into the meal. I still haven't gotten my plate.

So sitting amongst family and my family friends, we enjoy yet another Thanksgiving dinner. All the work feels good and yummy.